day six

i've been doing alot or realizing latley.

and its kinda bothering me.

i've realized, if he really cared and loved me as a friend like he says he does, then he WOULD go out of his way for me. He wouldn't yell at me. He wouldn't intimidate me. He wouldn't really treat me like he does if he was really me best friend. i've spent over a year trying to earn respect from this guy, and if i still am not getting it...then i don't think i honestly ever will. I wish he could know how i felt. But the only problem is i can't go. i can't not be friends with him, theres no possible way in my power that i can do that. He can't either. It bothers me that he nevfer apologizes for anything he does. He never seems to show emotion, even when i almost die...he can't even ask me if im okay. Im supposeably his 'best friend'...(well idk about that anymore.) you'd think he'd be happy to know i was okay. You'd think maybe he'd miss me just a little bit. This makes me sound needy. But if you knew me, if u knew him like other people did...you'd understand. its not that i'm needy, im just constantly unsure. and he never gives me reassurance that i'm ever doing anything right. and i try, i try to do everything i can. but its hard, cause i'll always find a way to fuck up. it makes me sad to think that hes something different than he actually is. it really bothers me to have to deal with him. He wasn't always like this and thats why i was his best friend in the first place. idk why he decided to be so different, and like the only person hes ever really himself with is never me. he doesnt know how much i try. i wish it was me though. He can never be wrong. he can never listen. he can never see that sometimes....he fucks up too. and even when he does. He doesnt care. He won't care if he makes me cry. he won't care if somethings wrong with me. he won't care about anything.

But i'm there. im still here, constantly caring about anything that happens to him. im here, for him to tell anything to. im here to be his best friend whenever he needs me too. he knows i care. he knows i'll never go anywhere. he knows he can always talk to me.
do you know why he knows that? why he has all that reassurance and hes content with it?

because i tell him. i tell him all the time. i let him know that he'll always have me as a firned. i tell him all the time.

but i don't have that. i never know anything. i hate not knowing where i stand in his life. i wanna know where i come in so i can know what to feel. and when all he does is throw negitive things at me, and avoid me, and ignore, and delete and erase and everything else...its hard to really know if he really wants to be my best firned, or if hes making himself. idk what to think. ever.

and its really hard. like...what if i needed to talk to him. he'll know. right away what to say.

he knows me better than anyone in this world. and if i ever needed help, if i ever lost control and exploded...hes the only person that can calm me down. he knows how to handle me. but. like right now.

i really just need to talk to him....
and like i said. Hes not here.

and the only problem i have...is that he doesn't see this. he doesn't take the time to understand this. or maybe he does. maybe he knows, hes known all along...but just doesn't do anything about it.

idk.

i can't think right now. and like i said...hes not here. like a best friend should be. ):